Satire

Donald Trump Wants To Save Comics.

Donald Trump has managed to keep himself in the news. None of the reasons have been any good. However, much like Lord Voldemort; we keep saying the former President’s name and he keeps gracing us with his presence.

Trump’s latest business venture has him partnering with singer Lee Greenwood. With Greenwood, Trump has put a new face on the most recognizable body of work in human history. The plan, which involves Greenwood’s signature song, is controversial at best. After all, this is The Bible that we are talking about.

Donald Trump Holding Up a Copy of the “God Bless America” version of The Bible.

You Read That Correctly. 

The God Bless the USA edition of The Bible went on sale this week. Apparently, it has been an instant success because now the former Casino boss has his sights set on another publishing venture. Trump Enterprises will soon roll out MAGA Comics. The billionaire, whose last venture into entertainment was the wildly successful Apprentice reality show franchise on NBC is vowing to revolutionize the comic book industry.

Trump was recently in the D.C. area promoting his Bible and was able to make room for me on his busy schedule. Using my connections in the restaurant industry, I secured a private room in an undisclosed location to conduct the interview. 

Without further ado, let’s dive into this interview, where Donald Trump will tell us what led him to his newfound interest in comics.

Opening Discussion: Meeting Donald Trump 

As we sat down for our conversation, we ordered some drinks. As I sipped my Jameson on the rocks, President Trump examined the lemon on the rim of the glass intended for his diet coke.

“No good.” He further goes on to voice his displeasure with his assistant. “Filthy, unacceptable. Get it out of my sight. Tell the bartender I’ll just drink it from the can.” As I tried to wrap my head around what just happened, he finally looks at me and says: “I like lemon wedges, not those tiny lemon triangles.”

If The Lemons At Your Bar Don’t Look Like This, Then Keep Them Away From Donald Trump.

He went on to further explain: “Nobody knows the service industry more than me. When they send tiny lemons out like that, that means they’re trying to stretch out product. Those lemons have probably been sitting there for days. The owner of this restaurant is a sad, weak, pathetic man. He wouldn’t last an hour in one of my hotels or resorts. Trump International only hires the best.”

For Unexplained Reasons, President Trump Hates My Dad

When I pointed out that it was my father who was actually the owner, Trump just shrugged and said: “That’s in the past. Your Dad is small potatoes. He’s a very sad man with nothing to live for. Let’s try to forget about your father. He’s a loser.”

All I could do was remember to be professional and conduct a good interview.

Donald Trump Knows The Bible

After witnessing the verbal evisceration of my father, President Trump was ready to talk. I will say one thing about him… The man is a shark. He just figuratively devoured my father and moved on to the next course. Everything operates as if it was a business transaction.

I overheard him talking to one of his many assistants. He was disappointed because he tried to trade one of his sons for a swath of land he needed for a new resort and the deal fell through. I disregard this disturbing glimpse into his personal life and begin our interview with questions about the Bible.

The Interview Didn’t Get Any Less Contentious.

President Trump, I would like to start things off by thanking you for taking time out of your busy schedule. Please allow me to be the first to welcome you to the City of Annapolis. I’ll start things with a relatively easy question. How are you doing today?

I wish I could lie to you John, I really do. I can’t lie though. It’s one of my flaws. I have to be honest all the time. That being said, I’m not doing too well, John. I was doing alright until I took a tour of Annapolis. 

I’m so sorry to hear that. did something happen?

Look, nobody knows hotels better than me. I can tell you that. I make the best hotels and resorts in the world. Nobody can build a hotel better than me. When I tour a city, and the best hotel you have to offer is The Westin, it’s obvious that your city is a pathetic, low rent place to live. What a pathetic city.

Donald Trump Is Not a Fan of Annapolis, Maryland.

Donald Trump Grew Up Catholic

Ok, so we will move on from what was supposed to be a benign ice breaker and get right to the interview. You are currently marketing the God Bless America edition of The Bible. What led you to make this decision?

I’ll tell you; I have been religious all my life. I grew up going to Catholic School. Catholic School was a great place to get an education. I just took to the Catholic faith instantly. I was the best student in my school. All of the Rabbis loved me. The Rabbis always mentioned me during Mass. To this day, there isn’t one Rabbi who has a bad thing to say about me. I’ve been a pillar of the Catholic Church ever since.

Pardon me, Mr. President but I have to ask… Don’t you mean to say “Priests”?

Excuse me?

I just want to clear things up. You referred to the leaders at your Catholic School as “Rabbis”. Rabbis are Jewish. They don’t practice Catholicism.

And who told you that?

Rabbis Are Rarely Seen In The Hallways Of A Catholic School.

My Priest.

Well, that’s very, very bad information you got there. That’s very sad. I’ve been a Catholic my whole life. Nobody knows Cathology more than I do.

I’m sorry, I have to interject again. You referred to your faith as “Cathology”. Did you mean to say “Catholicism”?

No. Once again, you’re wrong on the facts. Catholicism is when you call a Shaman in to fix the flickering lights in your house. Look, the bottom line is: The Bible was irrelevant Ok? It was nothing before I came along. Now people are talking about it. I have saved the most important book from disappearing off of the face of the Earth.

An Interesting Way To End A Segment.

Mr. President, I know you hate to hear this, but I have to fact check you on that one. The Bible is the bestselling book of all time. Its lifetime sales sit a five billion copies. Your Assessment is categorically false.

Once again, I have found success where many, many others have failed. Look, I’m a winner. Everywhere I go, I win! And people don’t like that. Nobody likes to see me succeed. You and your friends in the fake news media like to make up numbers and make up facts. You try to discredit me and you fail every time. Oh boy do you fail. It’s really, really sad. What’s even more sad is, sixty dollars is a steal for this product. Everyone knows it and nobody gives me credit. I could easily charge three, four five hundred dollars for this sacred book. I can charge five hundred dollars and people will buy it. Because they know that I know what’s best for them.

Like Moses in the Desert, I will lead my people through the Swamp and to the promised land.

Onto The Geeky Stuff With Donald Trump

I figured a comparison to Moses was a good stopping point for that particular segment. I moved along to segment number two and briefly discussed Star Wars with the former President.

Mr. President, I’ve been told you’re a big fan of Star Wars. Do you want to talk about that for a minute?

Star Wars, gotta love it. What’s not to love? Yoda, Spock, Darth Vader and his kid. All great characters. I don’t think anybody is a bigger Star Wars fan than me. When I was growing up, I had a poster of the Enterprise on my bedroom Wall.

Writers note: I know what you’re thinking. I just let it go. I had no choice but to just roll with it at this point.

What are you’re favorite Star Wars movies?

They’re all great, great movies. All of them are fantastic movies. I have to say that the Prequel Trilogy is the best. George really righted a wrong there after allowing the bad guys to win in the original trilogy.

President Trump Wholeheartedly Believes That Emperor Palpatine is The Hero of “Star Wars”. Photo From gamerant.com

Alternative Facts: The Star Wars Edition

Mr. President, the bad guys didn’t win in the original trilogy.

Yes they did. It ushered in one of the darkest times in the history of the galaxy. Sad, sad times. Emperor Palpatine united the entire Galaxy. Palpatine built up his armed forces to numbers never seen before. He created jobs. His Empire built that beautiful Space Station to protect his people. Then some punk kid blows it all up. It’s blown up a second time by some random guy. I don’t know. It was hard to watch.

I need clarification on this. You’re saying that Emperor Palpatine was the good guy?

Palpatine was a great, great man. Great leader. Darth Vader was also a great leader. They knew how to get the job done. It wasn’t fair that “Lazy” Luke Skywalker… and that’s what I call him. He’s lazy. Luke definitely wasn’t a leader. I can tell you that much. Luke couldn’t take over an entire galaxy. “Lazy” Luke Skywalker got the glory on a lucky shot. If he didn’t make that shot, Palpatine would still be in charge of the Spaceballs.

Wow… Ok, if nothing else, that’s an original take.

Donald Trump And MAGA Comics

At this point, the bartender has just sent up the entire bottle of Jameson to my table. The only effective way to numb out this painfully tedious experience was to make sure I didn’t forget about it the next morning. I take one more swig, and head into the final topic.

Mr. President, earlier in the week you announced that you were entering the Comic Book Industry. I’m sure we’d all love to hear what you have to say about that.

Comics are wonderful. They’re great to read. I’ve loved them all my life. Nobody knows comics more that me. That’s why I’m going to have heroes under the MAGA Comics label on shelves as soon as possible.

That is very interesting news. Can you tell us about some of the characters?

I’ve got some great, great characters lined up. MAGA comics will have the best characters. My characters will change everything. Marvel comics is going to wish they had characters like mine. My characters are going to be so popular, Warner will close up DC Comics because they know they will lose to me. These characters are going to be so famous, Hollywood will be begging me for the rights and I won’t give them up. Not gonna happen. These characters are MINE!

Ok, now I have to ask… Is this just an elaborate, very expensive attempt to get Hollywood to want something from you?

No. I’m doing this for the American people. Hollywood has no interest in the American people, but I do.

The Characters In Donald Trump’s MAGA Comics Lineup Bear A Striking Resemblance To Characters Such As Captain America.

Characters From The Mind Of  Trump

Alright, so about these characters…

First off, I have a group that will be comprised of my best characters. The Vindicators are the next big thing. They are “The World’s strongest champions”. Colonel USA is their leader. He is a super soldier who fought in World War 2. Now he defends our borders from unwanted people. His partner will be Titanium Man. He’s a very rich, very handsome man. Boy is he handsome. The ladies love him. He has a suit made out of indestructible Titanium. He uses it to fight crime and clean up our inner cities.

President Trump, you are clearly referring to The Avengers. Specifically Captain America and Iron man. Also, I could be wrong, but you seemed to have made them slightly racist.

Look, it’s called MAGA comics, ok? That’s what my heroes are going to do. They’re going to make America great again one bad guy at a time.

 

OK. Do you have any more characters planned out?

Absolutely, I have some vigilantes that are going to roam the streets with their own brand of justice. Justice the MAGA way.

Before you go any further, this is something I have to ask right away. As a Presidential candidate, do you think it is wise to refer to vigilante justice as “The MAGA Way”?

That’s a stupid question. Boy, are you stupid, just like your father.

MAGA: Vigilante Style!

Ok, we just got off that road, let’s not hop back on it again. Who are these Vigilantes?

First, we have The Flying Fox. The Flying Fox is a great detective. He drives around the city in a cool car, solving mysteries and taking down bad guys. Police love him. The Police Commissioner even has a “Fox Beacon” installed on top of Police Headquarters so he can summon Flying Fox when the city is in danger. He has a very smart butler named “Freddy” and a partner. He’s a child that The Silver Fox rescued from the Circus. His name is Blackbird and he is a great, great sidekick.

You literally just described Batman and Robin.

You are a terrible person and an awful reporter. I’ve never met a worse reporter than you and I’ve met a lot of reporters.

Who is this other vigilante now?

His name is The Executioner. He’s a real tough guy. Executioner has a lot of guns and takes no prisoners. He just blasts away and issues street justice on the spot.

The MAGA way?

Absolutely. The Executioner is one million percent MAGA. He even has a big skull on his chest so the bad guys can see him coming. His name is Francis Rook. His family was murdered and he’s out for blood.

Alright, I have to stop you right there. That is clearly The Punisher from Marvel Comics.

Like so many of my detractors, you’re making up fake news and trying to discredit me. You should know by now that you will always fail, because you’re a loser.

Apparently, Donald Trump Invented The Punisher.

Trump Threatens To Sue Me: Disney Style

Mr. President, you aren’t even trying with this one. “Francis Rook” is just another way to say “Frank Castle”. If you look at my shin, you can even see that I have a fifteen-year old tattoo of the skull that you just described.

That’s my intellectual property. I don’t know how you got it, but it’s mine and I didn’t give you permission to use it. My lawyers are going to sue you and have the courts force you to remove it. I will sue you, and I will win. The reason I will win is because I never lose. All I know is winning

Well, I don’t think that’s how it works… Let’s just move on. Who are some of the villains in the MAGAverse?

The Villains In Donald Trump’s Upcoming MAGAverse Could Easily Be Mistaken For Political Adversaries Up Trump Such As Hillary Clinton.

MAGA Comics has a lineup of fantastic villains. Really scary guys. We have “The Crooked Witch”. She corrupts everyday Americans with emails. Her goal is to take good, honest, hardworking men down so she can take over the world. Then we have “Sleepy Jack”. He’s a boring man who hypnotizes you, steals your money and always eats iced cream.

I’m just going to ask you point blank. Are all of the villains in MAGA comics going to be modeled after your political rivals?

Look, listen… I have never had to sit through such a boring interview and answer so many stupid questions. You are a boring, stupid man. You know nothing about Comic Books and you’re trying to undermine the great work I am doing over at MAGA Comics.

Actually, I am forty years old and I’ve been reading comics since I was six. I have thousands of comics in my collection. I would say that I know a fair amount.

Well I’m older than you, so I know more.

Final Takeaway

After telling me that he knew more than me about Comic Books, President Trump abruptly ended the interview. He stormed out and told his assistants to get him out of “Sad” Annapolis as soon as possible. I can confidently say that I will probably never get the chance to talk to him again. Thats how the cookie crumbles. I had a job to do and I did it. All I can do is hope that he at least has the ability to respect that.

With that being said, this is the conclusion of my hundredth Geek News Now article. I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate this milestone than sharing some satire and having a good laugh with all of you. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you for following me and all the other wonderful writers that we have on staff. My journey as a writer is rewarding, fun and far from over. I’ll see you on the next one.

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What do you think, GNN Fans? Sound off in the comments below and let your voices be heard!

Thank You for reading! When I am not writing I enjoy spending time with my wife Barbara, my four year old daughter Frances, and my loyal hound Marbles.  For more hot takes, follow me here.  You can also check out more of my content on my author’s page.

Stay Geeky Everybody

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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