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Cocaine Bear’s Success Leads To A Star Wars Reboot.

Who would have thought that a drug addled bear would lead Elizabeth Banks to the job of a lifetime?  Banks, who was still reeling from the box office disaster that was her Charlie’s Angels reboot hit the ball out of the park with Cocaine Bear.  The smash hit is the talk of the town in Hollywood and Kathleen Kennedy has taken note.

In a bold move, Kennedy has hired Banks to direct a reboot of Star Wars episodes 4-6.  The films storylines will be updated for modern audiences and Lucasfilm is committed to usher the tales into the twenty-first century.

The beloved Episodes 4-6 of Star Wars have been slated to be remade for modern audiences.

“Star Wars holds a special place in the hearts and minds of millions of people.” Kennedy said.  “But it has never been inclusive.  This reboot will right the wrongs of the original story and will be much more diverse and inclusive.  People will no longer feel left out when they watch these wonderful stories.”

It appears that this has been a plan in the works for quite some time now.  Kevin Smith has written a treatment for all three films and has apparently made numerous changes.  Smith does claim that the changes are not a big deal and the spirit of the story remains the same.

The Changes That Have Been Made

The story will not centered around Luke Skywalker this time around.  Luke, who will be played by Michael Cera will serve mostly as comic relief.  He will serve as a mechanic for the rebellion.  The new trilogy will be driven by the female cast and will focus on Princess Leia pulling herself up by her bootstraps and leading the charge against the injustices throughout the galaxy.

Alt-Right pundit Ben Shapiro will serve as the new voice of Darth Vader. He is under strict orders to stay away from the rest of the cast.

One of the more controversial changes is the voice of Darth Vader.  The iconic voice that James Earl Jones provided has been deemed to be to intimidating and oozing with toxic masculinity.  To rectify this, The voice of Jones has been retired.  The new voice for Darth Vader will be Ben Shapiro.  Shapiro, a commentator for The Daily Wire is controversial enough for his alt-right ideology, is excited to fill the shoes of a legend.  He has agreed to provide his voice work from his home so as not to trigger the other cast members.  He also has been denied a ticket to the premier when the movies eventually premiere.

The Cast Of The New Star Wars Comes With A New Character

The cast for the reboot has already been put together and it is definitely an interesting blend of people.  Princess Leia will be played by Jennifer Lawrence.  Lawrence accepted the role without hesitation and is quoted as saying: Star Wars has had an all male cast for too long.  I am very excited to be the first woman to appear in a Star Wars film.  This is a glass ceiling that I’m eager to break!”

Brie Larsen also achieved her dream and landed a role in the new series.  She will play the long lost daughter of Jar-Jar Binks, who will be played by veteran comedian Chris Kattan .  Elizabeth Banks has also reunited with her former co-star Seth Rogen and has casted him as Chewbacca.

“When I worked with Seth, everything he said was unintelligible and followed up with an awkward laugh.  The laugh is what made me choose him.  If you’ve never heard Seth Rogen laugh, just imagine a walrus having sex.  That is the best way to describe it.”

Han Solo will be played by Elliott Paige.  Solo will not be a love interest for Leia, because Banks wants Leia to come off as strong and independent.  Instead, Solo will be placed in a romantic relationship with Lando Calrisian. Lando will be played by pop music superstar Lil Nas X.

Rosie O’Donnell is reported to be ecstatic to play the new version of Jabba The Hutt, claiming that it is the role she was born to play.

The Emperor is an interesting choice, as Joy Behar from The View has been offered the role.  Rosie O’Donnell will play Jabba The Hutt.  O’Donnell has claimed that she was born for this role.

Obi-Wan Kenobi has also been gender swapped and will be played by Jane Fonda.  We tried to reach Ewan McGregor for a comment.  Understandably, he has declined to speak with us.  A very exciting addition however, is Academy Award winning actor Joe Pesci being convinced to take one more role as an actor to portray Yoda.

Due to his alleged experience in kidnapping people, Ezra Miller will play the notorious bounty hunter Boba Fett.

That is the core of the cast.  Other roles will be made public as soon as it is official.

The Final Takeaway

This is definitely a risky move by Lucasfilm and I’m not sure that this will pay off. While the sequel trilogy definitely has a huge amount of fans, it also has a huge amount of people who loathe its very existence.  To follow up such a divisive era in the lore of Star Wars with a complete reboot of the original trilogy is a huge gamble.  If this fails, Bob Iger will most likely go to Kathleen Kennedy’s office himself and tell her to kick rocks.

Joe Pesci will help Princess Leia fulfill her destiny when he suits up as Yoda.

As a fan of the franchise myself, I am hoping for the best.  But I will go into this venture with zero expectations.  You can’t be disappointed if you’re not expecting anything.

We all have a cocaine addicted bear to either blame, or praise depending on this reboot’s success.  Personally, I want to go back in time and delete the movie from cinematic history.

Unfortunately, that is scientifically impossible.  We will be forever stuck with whatever comes next.

What do you think of this reboot, Star Wars Fans?  Sound off in the comments!

Thank you for reading.  When I am not writing, I enjoy spending time with my wife Barbara, my three year old daughter Frankie, and my loyal hound Marbles.  

If you love Star Wars, don’t forget to tune in every Thursday at 9:30 p.m. EST for The Cantina Happy Hour on our Youtube channel.  Stay geeky everybody!

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