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Attack Of The Clones: A Completionist’s Nightmare



Today marks the twentieth anniversary of Episode Two in the Anakin Skywalker saga, titled: “Star Wars: Attack of The Clones”.  It is a day that most Star Wars fans would rather forget.  Unfortunately, due to their vey nature Star Wars fans cannot purge this stain on the series from their memories.

Attack of the Clones Entered Theaters with high expectations. It would exit theaters as a huge disappointment for most fans.

Star Wars fans are unlike any other fanbase.  Fans of other franchises and movies have the ability to ignore some of the things that they don’t like.  Fans of Star Wars are far too dedicated to the preservation of the story to wash Attack of the Clones away.  Inside of every Star Wars fan is a dedicated completionist.

A photo form Rancho Obi-Wan in Petaluma, California. This is a museum founded by one of the thousands of avid collectors who archive everything in relation to Star Wars.

If it is canon, it stays.  There are no exceptions, it is now required reading.  If it isn’t canon, keep it anyway.  Things change and you want to be prepared when these changes occur.

Everything is archived and catalogued meticulously. Kept ready for reference to educate a newcomer, correct a writer’s mistake, or settle the infinite number of debates that occur between the millions of Star Wars fans who each have their own view on the saga. 

“Star Wars” has had it’s share of misses.  The 1978 Christmas Special is still one of the oddest things to ever air on television.  “Solo” wasn’t necessarily a bad film.  It just felt out of place.  “Attack of the Clones” was so egregiously bad, that bad isn’t even an appropriate word to describe it.

Abysmal is a better word to convey my description.  Yet, it sits proudly on display with the rest of my collection.  It is a necessary chapter at the center of one of the greatest stories ever told.  Even if you have to bear witness to Yoda being bested by the lowly Count Dooku.

Anakin Skywalker and Padme get into a deeply emotional discussion about the texture of sand.

The dialogue was wooden and corny.  If you don’t remember, look no further than this clip where Anakin Skywalker gets deeply emotional while explaining his disdain for sand.  The plot was too convoluted for its own good.

The Clone Army as depicted in the film.

It is never fully explained why the clones are even necessary.  Their existence is explained.  The reasoning behind them is addressed, but we never get a full explanation as to why this was the best course of action for Chancellor Palpatine.

He could have just built an army and gone from there.  That is ultimately what happened anyway.  It just seemed so unnecessary to take this step.

The only good thing you could say about Attack of the Clones, is that it is a testament to the resiliency of Star Wars fans.  For any other franchise, a movie this bad would have been the final nail in the coffin.  People would walk away and be done with it.

A crowd waits outside of the famous Chinese Theater in Los Angeles. Waiting for the release of Episode IV anxiously.

The adverse reaction that the film did have was that it did take just enough wonder out of “Star Wars” to make the releases less special.  The releases used to be an event.

Dedicated fans waiting in full uniform. In the franchise’s heyday, normal small town movie theaters would be over run by creative cosplayers enthusiastically waiting. It was like being at the actual premier.

Normal movie theaters would be filled with cosplayers and super fans.  Restaurants would run specials.  People would take off of work.  It was an unofficial holiday that people from all walks of life would happily celebrate.  The magic just isn’t there anymore.

Star Wars fans  are in a class all of their own.  These people are not just fans.  They are the protectors of a legacy.  It is their duty to preserve this story and pass it on to future generations.  The fans before me introduced the story to me as it was. 

This means that I am obliged to introduce my daughter to the story as it is now.  With nothing omitted.  She’ll get the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The only way to fix Attack of the Clones, and its many problems would be to rerelease it as a special edition with additional scenes, and sharper dialogue.

Maybe if this was to happen, and the movie gets a complete rehab, this chapter would be redeemable.  Regardless of the story, the fans will always be here to make sure the story is told.  Reluctantly or not, the fans will remain stalwart.

What do you think, Star Wars fans?  Am I wrong?  Did you like Episode II?  We want to hear from you, so don’t be shy! Leave a comment below, and let us know how you feel.

Thank You for reading!  When I am not writing I enjoy spending time with my wife of ten years Barbara, my Two Year old daughter Frankie, My Hound Dog Marble, and my Ferret, Ms. Farrah Pawcett.  For more fressh, geeky content, please check us out on Youtube.  You can also follow me on twitch at insomniac_reader. 

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