The Muppets have had numerous icons that have impacts the lives of millions of people for half a century. They are a shining example of comedy, education, and entertainment that have rarely left a sour taste with their audience. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the organization that runs the Oscars, has been plagued with bad hosts, poor jokes, and shows that run entirely too long. Today, they took a shocking step towards rectifying their image by announcing that Statler and Waldorf will host the 2020 Oscars.
“When I led this search for a new host, I asked them for a pair of people who are distinguished and have a long reputation for reviewing films, musicals, and other acts,” said PR Spokesperson Judy Darling. “When they offered up these two, I jumped at the chance. Both Statler and Waldorf have literally decades of experience. How could we pass them up? Who else out there can match their resumes?”
When asked why she didn’t ask for headliners like Kermit, Fozzie, or Miss Piggy, Judy just stared blankly for a moment. “Is that some kind of joke? A pig? A frog? This is the OSCARS. There’s literally nothing more serious in America today than representing hundreds of actors as they congratulate themselves for being actors.”
I was able to obtain a comment from Muppets Vice-President Mike Gunn. “They wanted Muppets with decades of experience, we gave them Muppets with decades of experience. Who better to host that dumpster fire than those two? I can’t wait to see this!”
Previous hosts have included Jimmy Kimmel, Seth McFarlane, and Billy Crystal. Crystal holds the record for hosting the annual event a whopping 214 times. Wild rumors began floating around that a new leader would be in the pit to lead the orchestra this year. While the Public Relations spokesperson flatly denied it, we were able to obtain an image that will be used in upcoming advertisements
“Well at least this show won’t be half bad,” Waldorf told me. “But I bet it’ll be all bad!” Statler added before the two laughed.
“I heard that ‘Marriage Story’ is a front-runner for Best Picture,” Statler said. “How? Nothing good ever came out of a Marriage Story!” Waldorf replied.
“Hey, this thing will be on ABC, can we tell Disney jokes?” Waldorf asked. “Are you kidding? The whole thing is one big dismal joke!” Statler answered.
“I hear Ellen DeGeneres turned down hosting this year,” Statler said. “You know what that makes her?” Waldorf asked.
Statler: Do you believe in life after death? Waldorf: Ask me after I leave this theater.
“Smarter than us!” they both exclaimed.
Author’s Note: Yes this is a spoof article meant to give you a chuckle for your weekend and should not be taken seriously. I’ll write one of these each weekend to help lighten the mood.